Love is Not Mutually Excusive

From a young age we are often taught that love is meant to be possessive and competitive. 

A parent must have a favorite child. It’s normal to feel jealous when our best friends make new friends.  Even to feel abandoned and neglected when our partners spend time with their other loved ones or indulging in their personal passions.

I remember filling out a questionnaire on a dating app in my college years. One of the questions were something along the lines of “is jealousy important in a relationship?” I nearly laughed at the question, thinking the answer to be an obvious no and thought nothing much of it. To my astonishment, the large majority of the people I encountered on the app thought quite the opposite.

I also often hear the remark that a jealous partner gives many a feeling of security in that their partner actually cares. Social media constantly praises overbearing possessiveness with jokes of spy cameras and trackers.

And so I find myself wondering: why can’t we love and be loved without comparing the love between all the relationships in our lives? I’m not referring to lust but genuine pure authentic love, concern, kindness and admiration.

It is a terrible thing to choose love for one over that for another, but it seems to be common practice.

This social standard makes it easy to convince myself that staying single forever would allow me to love freely but even then, loneliness may arise, as most - including those that I love - will sub-come to the bounds of this normalized and perpetuated idea that we can only truly love one person or thing at a time.

But even if I were to partake in mainstream romanticized monogamy, the reality of loneliness is still tangible. What do you do when the only person you were allowed to love suddenly dies? Or even in the moments when your passions or ways of thought don’t align?

Who can you turn to for comfort and understanding when those ties have been severed in order to pour all of one’s attention into something that is no longer or, in a particular way, happens to be insufficient?

Most are not willing to show love and comfort to someone who has previously evoked feelings of neglect, especially if they feel like a second option or rebound.

Why is it expected of me to abandon my love for all those in my life in order to honor one relationship? Why is it anticipated that my partner feel threatened by the relationships I have with others? As long as I reassure them of their importance to me through words, actions, and open and honest communication, why should that love be questioned?

I am no stranger to jealousy, it is an honest and real emotion but, I don’t believe it should constrain the lives of those we love most. Jealousy has more to do with our own insecurities than our loved one's ability to be faithful and consistent. If faithfulness and consistency are truly at question, then maybe that relationship isn’t presently as valuable as we have convinced ourselves of.

There seems to be something innately wrong with this possessive take on love. Such a mentality enables objectification and inhibits communal dependence, which is very important for development in every aspect of life and innate to us as social beings. 

This mentality is a huge contributor to depression and feelings of neglect, betrayal and isolation. 

I also wish that we as a society could work harder to separate authentic love from feelings of lust and desire. Not that the second is negative but the distinction is vital in building a healthier society.

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